Real Love

I am currently reading a book called "Real Love in Marriage" by Dr. Greg Baer....and loving it. It doesn't only speak to married people but it takes his other book "Real Love" and applies it to a marriage situation. (I will be reading Real Love as soon as i finish this one! and there are about a gazillion other 'Real Love in whatever the topic' book so you should look into it)

Anyhow, on nights I cannot sleep (like this one) I just sit around and thing about Real Love and the meaning behind it. I honestly don't think any of us truly know what Real Love is unless we know God, but Baer gives us the 'Real as it can be without coming from God because it's impossible elsewhere" kinda love. So it goes like this...

He starts out explaining the difference between conditional love and unconditional love which is still a challenge of mine. Human nature just makes it ALMOST impossible to love a person without letting their looks, actions, or beliefs alter the love in any way. I see it with Micah all the time, and I will use him as an example because he is my Husband and I can.

Countless times we will be sitting around, happy as can be, and he will mess up the organized living room and not put it back in the picture perfect way it began. And for those of you who know me, this is a serious issue for an OCD organizer and cleaner. (I'm seeking help! haha just kidding) Anyhow, I go from the unconditionally love that i promised him on the alter a short 18 days ago, to frustrated. And with the frustration, I end up showing him a completely different kind of "Love". Inside I know that a mess in the living room shouldn't and doesn't change how I truly feel about him, but I show him something different. I make him believe that i conditionally love him in hopes of him 'doing better next time'....which leads me to the next part of Baer's book.

Getting and Protecting Behaviors: Lying, Attacking, Acting like a victim, Running and Clinging which give us the hope of feeling more 'imitation love' via Power, Praise, Pleasure, and safety. Basically, when we don't get the 'Real Love' we are seeking we try to make our own imitation love that fills the void temporarily. And this comes with the Getting and Protecting behaviors which don't make our hearts happy...or our relationships.

So to get this 'Real Love in Marriage' rather than an unhappy imitation love that will ruin the marriage, changes must be made. Change is hard...yes yes i know. Usually I prefer change (so I have less chance of getting attached to people, but that's another story) and find it refreshing. New things, new thoughts, new people, new places....things, people and places are easy to change, but thoughts....that's where the real challenge comes. After all, people thinking differently than one another is what causes hatred and war. So if we can learn to embrace the difference in the thinking of others, maybe it will bring a little more peace and happiness to our lives. Whether we are Right or Wrong, the only one who can truly hold us responsible for our thought and actions is God...So why make ourselves unhappy at someone else being possibly right or possibly wrong.

Rather than me trying to make Micah change because that's what "I want" because I am ALWAYS right (so not true). And rather than acting like he is the reason for my frustration (can't you see I am just a victim wishing her house was organized 24/7)...we should change how we think and then change how we react to situations. By getting angry and showing conditional love, we are only setting ourselves up for a negative reaction from those we are 'attacking'. Micah sure didn't cause my frustration towards un-organization or the slightly lived in look...but he gets the blame for it. That frustration is caused by my perfectionist attitude that has caused many issues in my life. And rather than trying to relax a little and accept things not being perfect, I drive myself insane and pass the blame on anyone who is already in that relaxed state of mind.

Basically, I get agitated too easily which only further frustrates myself, and those around me (but actually i am not the cause of their frustration, their relaxed attitude is what causes them to be upset by my uptight attitude...see how no one wins with this thinking...) So i am going to work on being more relaxed. Letting the house be tidy and clean and NOT a place that i use to feed my OCD. And when the Hubby makes a mess or doesn't put something back in alphabetical order I will just look at it differently and say our house looks lived in and loved. And NOT let him think that his actions are causing me to love him less or that he is wrong because he doesn't have to have things perfect. I don't think it is possible to love him less. I know he would do anything for me, and doesn't 'mess things up' to upset me....he just doesn't think like i think. And a mess to him would be a tornado going through a village and destroying everything, rather than the DVD rack that goes A B C D G E F....

I'm working on it!!!! I know books are not 'the answer' and people cannot tell us all we need to know, but they do make us think...

So only on page 80 out of 303....I think I will be thinking about the way i think a lot more :o)

I know this is quite rambled, but what do you expect at 4 AM?

Basically, I have always said that 'we' are the cause for 'our' unhappiness. Every time we get angry...it's our fault. Every time we let someone get to us, we could be doing something differently to change how we feel. And every time we just hate who we are and where we are in life...we can do something to change that. Things don't always go our way, but if we change our outlook on the way things went, we might find ourselves to be a little happier, a little more friendly, and a little more loving.

P.S. Hubby comes home today so we are going to start the challenge. And the only reason I am posting this is so he can help hold me accountable when i start to let my OCD take over.